Wednesday, February 28, 2007

RE: very funny... virgin story

A virgin girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night
and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a
big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that
after dinner, she would like to go out and make love
for the first time.

* * * * * * * * *

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex
before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get
some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and
the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.
He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and
sex.

* * * * * * * * *

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many
condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family
pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he
thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

* * * * * * * * *

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents
house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm
so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

* * * * * * * * *

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table
where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly
offers to say grace and bows his head.

* * * * * * * * *

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer,
with his head down.

* * * * * * * * *

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

* * * * * * * * *

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the
girlfriend leans over and whispers to the
boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

* * * * * * * *

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your
father was a pharmacist."

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

FW: DO YOU NEED LOAN? IF YES THEN I CAN HELP YOU OUT.

Here's a spam email I received this morning...

I am Mr Carthy .K. Moore the chairman and chief executive of CARTHY MOORE FINANCIAL FIRMS.

I am writing to formally introduce my firms and it,s function to you, my firm is a firm that has touch the life of people all over the world by lending them money they needed then as loan when they needed it for thier urgent personal use or for business setup or project funding.

Now i bring to your notice becuase i feel you might be in need of a loan, if you are i need of a loan then contact me via this mail address carthy_moorees@yahoo.com if you need get a loan.


1. Do people actually reply to these?
2. The spelling is horrible
3. Mr Carthy .K. Moore must have a lot of money to be offering loans to millions of people. Maybe I should reply...

Monday, February 26, 2007

FW: FYI

I don't know if you have seen the commericial for the Philadelphia Cream cheese premade cheesecake filling or not. I did and bought it. Don't bother trying it. It was disgusting...

Friday, February 23, 2007

FW: Tequila and Salt

Tequila and Salt

This
should probably be taped to your bathroom mirror where one could
read it
every day. You may not realize it, but it's 100% true.


1. There are at least two people in this world
that you would die for.


2. At least 15 people in this world love you in
some way.


3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you
is because they want to
be just like you.


4. A smile from you can bring happiness to
anyone, even if they don't
like you.


5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before
they go to sleep.


6. You mean the world to someone.

7. You are special and unique.

8. Someone that you don't even know exists
loves you.


9. When you make the biggest mistake
ever, something good comes from it.


10. When you think the world has turned its
back on you take another
look.


11. Always remember the compliments you
received. Forget about the rude
remarks.



I'm not sure why this email was titled Tequila and Salt. When I think of tequila and salt, images of late nights with hotties doing body shots off of each other comes to mind. But that's just how my twisted mind works. ;)

FW: An L.A. chat with Jesus

Many times when I am troubled or confused, I find comfort in sitting in my back yard and having a quiet conversation with Jesus.
This happened to me the other night, after a particularly difficult day, I said,
"Jesus, why do I work so hard?"

And I heard the reply, "Men find many ways to demonstrate the love they have for their family. You work hard to have a peaceful, beautiful place for your friends and family to gather."

And I said, "I thought that money was the root of all evil."

And the reply was, "No, the LOVE of money is the root of all evil. Money is a tool; it can be used for good or bad"
I was starting to feel better, but I still had that one burning question, so I asked it -

"Jesus," I said, "what is the meaning of life? Why am I here?"

He replied, "That is a question many men ask. The answer is in your heart and is different for everyone. I would love to sit and chat with you some more, señor, but I have to finish your lawn now

Monday, February 12, 2007

FROM: OFFICE OF THE PRESIDENT

Looks like I have a refund due to me from the African Development Bank in Japan. They must not be a very big bank if they have to use Yahoo Mail. Maybe they can give me a loan too.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

新しいメールアドレスをお知らせします
新しいメールアドレス: afdbk011@yahoo.co.jp

FROM: OFFICE OF THE PRESIDENTAFRICAN DEVELOPEMENT BANK

SUBJECT: FUNDS DELIVERY

YOUR OVERDUE PAYMENT IS NOW READY FOR COLLECTION CONTACT ME FOR DETAILS:

CHAMBERLIN OSOMOLE

SECRETARY.

- FROM: AFRICAN DEVELOPEMENT BANK

Thursday, February 8, 2007

FW: The Good Husband

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party.
Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from them party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table, and, next to them, a single red rose!!

Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.
Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick. "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight.
I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table eating. Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean?
I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table w aiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!"

Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time PRICELESS

FW: Bill & Hillary


Bill and Hillary are at a Yankees home game, sitting in the first
row, with the Secret Service people directly behind them.

One of the Secret Service guys leans forward and whispers something
to Bill.

At first, Clinton stares at the guy, looks at Hillary, looks back
at the agent, and shakes his head "no."

The agent then says, "Mr. President, it was an unanimous request of
the entire team, from the owner of the team to the bat boy."

Bill hesitates... but begins to change his mind when the agent
tells him the fans would love it!

Bill shrugs his shoulders and says; "Ho-Kay! If that is what the
people want

C'mere Hilly baby..." With that, Bill gets up, grabs Hillary by her
collar and the seat of her pants, lifts her up, and tosses her right over
the wall onto the field.


She gets up kicking, swearing, screaming; "Bill you!"$#@&!&!

The crowd goes absolutely wild. Fans are jumping up and down,
cheering, hooting and hollering, and high-fiving.

Bill is bowing, smiling and waving to the crowd.

He leans over to the agent and says, "How about that! I would have
never believed how much everyone would enjoy that!"

Noticing that the agent has gone totally pale, he asks what is wrong.

The agent replies, "Sir, I said they wanted you to throw out the first Pitch!"

FW: AWARDING..FUNDS

It appears that I have won the e-Lotto Sweepstakes UK. samdaman11@cox.net sent me this email:

This email is to notify you of your winnings in our online promo.Please contact
our fiduciary agent Mrs Sharon cole with this
email: verification102unit@yahoo.co.uk
Sir.Richard Lloyd,
Co-ordinator.

I can't wait to claim my prize!

Wednesday, February 7, 2007

FW: How you can tell you've ticked off an engineer...


FW: Ponderisms

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze
these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

FW: Lesson of the Day

A herd of Buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.

This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cell. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells.

But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

That's why you feel smarter after a few beers.

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

FW: Ponderisms


The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.


Monday, January 29, 2007

FW: Ponderisms


Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant, is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.


FW: Album Of The Year (So far...)

If you're a fan of really good music then you must must MUST go out and buy the new Shins album! Here's a review of it if you need further convincing:


http://indoorfireworks.blogspot.com/2007/01/of-all-churning-random-hearts-under-sun.html

FW: Dallas Cowboys

// Forwarded by KC //

Q: What do you call 47 millionaires sitting around a TV watching the
Super Bowl?
A: The Dallas Cowboys.

Q: What do the Dallas Cowboys and Billy Graham have in common?
A: They both can make 60,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus Christ".

Q: How do you keep a Dallas Cowboy out of your yard?
A: Put up goal posts.

Q: Where do you go in Dallas in case of a tornado?
A: To Texas Stadium- they never get a touchdown there!

Q: What do you call a Dallas Cowboy with a Super Bowl ring?
A: A thief.

Q: Why was Bill Parcells upset when the Dallas Cowboys play book was
stolen?
A: Because he hadn't finished coloring it.

Q: What's the difference between the Dallas Cowboys and a dollar bill?
A: You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.

Q: What do the Dallas Cowboys and possums have in common?
A: Both play dead at home and get killed on the road.

FW: Picture Of The Year

FW: 20 inches of snow in Texas

FW: The Cat

// I survived my snowboarding trip and have returned without any broken bones. My neck is a bit sore from a collision with another snowboarder and I jammed my finger, but I am still able to post all of these crazy emails I have received when I was away. //

"THE CAT"

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Ever Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet, and put the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we d rove away. "That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"

The cab driver hit a parked car

Friday, January 19, 2007

Austria, Here I Come!




There will be a lack of posts on this page. That's because I'll be snowboarding. I will try to update it inbetween binge drinking, hot tubbing, and trying to kill myself on the alps.

FW: THINGS YOU PROBABLY DON'T KNOW

THINGS YOU PROBABLY DON'T KNOW

1 . Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of cotton.

2. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp paper.

3. The dot over the letter i is called a "tittle".

4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up
and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.

5. Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller.

6. 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.

7. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.

8. The 'spot' on 7UP comes from its inventor, who had red eyes.
He was albino.

9. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents,
daily.

10. Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister.

11. Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system; a few ounces will kill a small sized dog.

12. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.

13. Most lipstick contains fish scales (eeww).

14. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.

15. Ketchup was sold in the 1830's as medicine.

16. Upper and lower case letters are named 'upper' and 'lower' because in the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the upper case' letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the smaller, 'lower case' letters.

17. Leonardo DA Vinci could write with one hand and draw with
the other at the same time . hence, multi-tasking was invented.)

18. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World
War II were made of wood.

19. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.

20. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan; there was
never a recorded Wendy before!

21. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange, purple, and silver!

22. Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.

23. A tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make it instantly go mad and sting itself to death.

24. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original "Halloween" was a Captain Kirk's mask painted white.

25. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19 You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar (good to know.)

26. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you
can't sink in quicksand (and you thought this list was completely useless.)

27. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English
law, which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider
than your thumb.

28. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was the Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.

29 Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to eat a
piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with. It's the same with apples!

30. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying!

31. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.

32. Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries.

33. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a space suit damages it.

34. George Carlin said it best about Martha Stewart . "Boy, I feel a lot safer now that she's behind bars. O. J. Simpson and Kobe Bryant are still walking around; Osama Bin Laden too, but they take the ONE woman in America willing to cook, clean, and work in the yard, and
they haul her fanny off to jail."

Fridays Feast: Feast One Hundred & Twenty Seven

Feast One Hundred & Twenty Seven

Appetizer
Which television shows do you just refuse to miss?
24 & House

Soup
Who did you last speak to on the telephone?
A Client

Salad
How many pillows do you keep on your bed?
6 - 8

Main Course
Name one addition to your computer (software, hardware, etc.) that you'd love to have.
1TB External Network Drive

Dessert
What is your favorite foreign food
Pizza

FW: Ponderisms



Ponderism of the Day:

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.



p.s. I'm actually eating granola as I'm posting this

FW: Republican fisherman

An email from a co-worker...


A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."


The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49 minutes west longitude."


She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."


"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"


"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with the information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."


The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat."


"I am," responded the balloonist. "How did you know?"


"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position that you were before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault."

FW: Dallas/Ft. Worth

Here's an email I received from my boss this morning...

Mattel recently announced the release of limited-edition Barbie Dolls for the Dallas/Ft. Worth market:





"Highland Park Barbie" This princess Barbie is sold only at The Galleria. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey and a cookie-cutter house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with the augmented version.

" Plano Barbie" The modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Wind star Minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately.




"Oak Cliff Barbie" This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife,a Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a Meth Lab Kit. This model is only available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably small, untraceable bills) ...unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are talking about.





"Frisco Barbie" This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them.


"Mesquite Barbie" This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR t-shirt and tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Bud light and a Hank Williams Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's butt when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.




"Ft. Worth Barbie" This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased beer-gutted Ken out of Southside Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter-top. Also available with a mobile home.




"Lower Greenville Barbie" This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her Willow . She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Point Breeze Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free.




"East Dallas Barbie" This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his 1979 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.


" Oak Lawn Barbie/Ken" This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or subtracting the multiple snap-on parts.