If you see this guy, please be careful. He packs a razor sharp throwing star.
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Monday, January 29, 2007
FW: Ponderisms
Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant, is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
FW: Album Of The Year (So far...)
If you're a fan of really good music then you must must MUST go out and buy the new Shins album! Here's a review of it if you need further convincing:
http://indoorfireworks.blogspot.com/2007/01/of-all-churning-random-hearts-under-sun.html
FW: Dallas Cowboys
// Forwarded by KC //
Q: What do you call 47 millionaires sitting around a TV watching the
Super Bowl?
A: The Dallas Cowboys.
Q: What do the Dallas Cowboys and Billy Graham have in common?
A: They both can make 60,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus Christ".
Q: How do you keep a Dallas Cowboy out of your yard?
A: Put up goal posts.
Q: Where do you go in Dallas in case of a tornado?
A: To Texas Stadium- they never get a touchdown there!
Q: What do you call a Dallas Cowboy with a Super Bowl ring?
A: A thief.
Q: Why was Bill Parcells upset when the Dallas Cowboys play book was
stolen?
A: Because he hadn't finished coloring it.
Q: What's the difference between the Dallas Cowboys and a dollar bill?
A: You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.
Q: What do the Dallas Cowboys and possums have in common?
A: Both play dead at home and get killed on the road.
FW: The Cat
// I survived my snowboarding trip and have returned without any broken bones. My neck is a bit sore from a collision with another snowboarder and I jammed my finger, but I am still able to post all of these crazy emails I have received when I was away. //
"THE CAT"
We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Ever Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet, and put the cat in the backyard.
We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.
My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we d rove away. "That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"
The cab driver hit a parked car
Friday, January 19, 2007
Austria, Here I Come!
There will be a lack of posts on this page. That's because I'll be snowboarding. I will try to update it inbetween binge drinking, hot tubbing, and trying to kill myself on the alps.
FW: THINGS YOU PROBABLY DON'T KNOW
THINGS YOU PROBABLY DON'T KNOW
1 . Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of cotton.
2. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp paper.
3. The dot over the letter i is called a "tittle".
4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up
and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.
5. Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller.
6. 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.
7. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.
8. The 'spot' on 7UP comes from its inventor, who had red eyes.
He was albino.
9. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents,
daily.
10. Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister.
11. Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system; a few ounces will kill a small sized dog.
12. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.
13. Most lipstick contains fish scales (eeww).
14. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
15. Ketchup was sold in the 1830's as medicine.
16. Upper and lower case letters are named 'upper' and 'lower' because in the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the upper case' letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the smaller, 'lower case' letters.
17. Leonardo DA Vinci could write with one hand and draw with
the other at the same time . hence, multi-tasking was invented.)
18. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World
War II were made of wood.
19. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.
20. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan; there was
never a recorded Wendy before!
21. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange, purple, and silver!
22. Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.
23. A tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make it instantly go mad and sting itself to death.
24. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original "Halloween" was a Captain Kirk's mask painted white.
25. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19 You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar (good to know.)
26. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you
can't sink in quicksand (and you thought this list was completely useless.)
27. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English
law, which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider
than your thumb.
28. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was the Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.
29 Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to eat a
piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with. It's the same with apples!
30. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying!
31. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.
32. Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries.
33. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a space suit damages it.
34. George Carlin said it best about Martha Stewart . "Boy, I feel a lot safer now that she's behind bars. O. J. Simpson and Kobe Bryant are still walking around; Osama Bin Laden too, but they take the ONE woman in America willing to cook, clean, and work in the yard, and
they haul her fanny off to jail."
Fridays Feast: Feast One Hundred & Twenty Seven
Feast One Hundred & Twenty Seven
Appetizer
Which television shows do you just refuse to miss?
24 & House
Soup
Who did you last speak to on the telephone?
A Client
Salad
How many pillows do you keep on your bed?
6 - 8
Main Course
Name one addition to your computer (software, hardware, etc.) that you'd love to have.
1TB External Network Drive
Dessert
What is your favorite foreign food
Pizza
FW: Ponderisms
Ponderism of the Day:
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
p.s. I'm actually eating granola as I'm posting this
FW: Republican fisherman
An email from a co-worker...
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49 minutes west longitude."
She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."
"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with the information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."
The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat."
"I am," responded the balloonist. "How did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position that you were before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault."
FW: Dallas/Ft. Worth
Here's an email I received from my boss this morning...
Mattel recently announced the release of limited-edition Barbie Dolls for the Dallas/Ft. Worth market:
"Highland Park Barbie" This princess Barbie is sold only at The Galleria. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey and a cookie-cutter house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with the augmented version.
" Plano Barbie" The modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Wind star Minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately. 
"Oak Cliff Barbie" This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife,a Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a Meth Lab Kit. This model is only available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably small, untraceable bills) ...unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are talking about.
"Frisco Barbie" This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them.
"Mesquite Barbie" This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR t-shirt and tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Bud light and a Hank Williams Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's butt when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.
"Ft. Worth Barbie" This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased beer-gutted Ken out of Southside Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter-top. Also available with a mobile home.
"Lower Greenville Barbie" This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her Willow . She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Point Breeze Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free.
"East Dallas Barbie" This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his 1979 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.
" Oak Lawn Barbie/Ken" This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or subtracting the multiple snap-on parts.
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